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Mar. 19th, 2015

lilywolf: (thestral)
It feels so good to finally feel like myself, maybe in a way I haven't felt since before I met Anna. Right now it feels like this medication is hitting everything, things I've struggled with for years and had no idea how to solve, and now all of a sudden I just feel like, I can do things I couldn't before. I feel so hopeful about life in some ways because it isn't weighing me down for the first time in forever. I can be social and to an extent vulnerable even with strangers and people I don't know so well. I don't need to put on my defenses as much because I'm not in a place where everything and everyone feels threatening and where I can't cope. Things that used to be so scary for me now just kind of, brush past me, I can figure out how to deal with them at least. The extreme loneliness that I'd been feeling for a while is pretty much gone.

I'm thinking a lot about the ADD aspect of it, and how my business just started getting hard out of nowhere but I didn't realize that it was something within me that changed. I procrastinated with it for months and months, but it turns out I wasn't just procrastinating: I was experiencing brain freeze and not knowing what to do or where to even begin and I was understandably getting anxious about being totally lost in a mess of stuff all the time. It wasn't procrastination so much as inability to figure out how to take the steps to get started, and to not have to wrack my brain every second to keep going.

I've asked myself, sometimes, why am I in Atlanta. Georgia has been on my mind. What gift does this place have for me? I just sense that there is something for me here, something perhaps unexpected, some growth or new direction, and I'm curious what will unfold. A few days ago, even before I started actually taking this medication, it occurred to me that, if recognizing the need for help and getting on medication were the only gift Atlanta has for me, that would be really precious all by itself.

I'm just really in awe at how much easier so many things are for me. I feel grateful for a lot of things, but somehow not quite ready to speak that gratitude.

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lilywolf

September 2015

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