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Mar. 23rd, 2015

lilywolf: (thestral)
Life is intense. It's going in wild directions, I can just feel it. Last night at a pagan meetup we talked about nexus, or those points in your life when it's sort of like a marble is rolling in a straight line and then it hits a bump -- chaos theory, the butterfly effect, that marble could then end up going anywhere, and a new pattern emerges. Something is going on beneath the surface. Something really big is going to change in my life soon, and I don't know what it is, but it feels big. I want to try doing sigil magic to bring in some synchronicity to help me feel this underlying movement more clearly. I've never done it but it feels like an easy and powerful way to create changes in things. I also got a strong impression that I wanted to get another moldavite necklace at Phoenix and Dragon. A year and a half ago I got my first one there, and gave it to Chrissy this summer, and that necklace really brought me through some huge transformation that I didn't notice at the time. I think I'm ready for a little nudge to get over the bump in the surface and to roll in a direction that would be fruitful for me.

So much socializing over the last couple days. Tonight, eating pizza and socializing with Ren and Couv and Savannah, talking about possibly living at Kweer House, which feels a little overwhelming but also like a really good fit that might help me get to that next place in life. I was invited to a potential barbecue birthday party for Sav on Friday. It's scary to go from the solitude I currently enjoy to living in intentional community but I think I may be ready for it. I also learned about a bunch of things: a place called Lost and Found, which apparently has really good clothes and stuff for sale really cheap (Couv connects it to queers having the best taste in things), and proceeds go to supporting LGBTQ youth in Atlanta. Also, the kinky convention Frolicon is coming up, and there's a queer play party; in general it's pretty straight/heteroflexible but Ren talked about feeling safe and welcome as a trans person and that it's at least a queerer space than walking down the street. "More queer than Krogers," he says, though apparently there is one Krogers in particular that's pretty queer. Then there is a Facebook group, called Transit something or other, I don't remember the other word, that's basically Atlanta queer people posting for activity partners. Like, hey, I'm doing this, anyone want to join me? Which I think is brilliant and how did I not know there was such a thing?

I had a little bit of social anxiety but most of it was fear of being so exhausted and not being interesting or whatever. I have not been so exhausted in years (and I'm coming down with a cold) and yet I managed to socialize and be totally fine. Still in awe of how I feel with this medicine.

I've been gaming, playing ArcheAge, which has these amazing graphics and is just like the MUD I used to play except totally visual; I get frustrated with it sometimes, as I get frustrated with violin, but I'm learning to just take things a piece at a time. I get so in the flow with that game and lose track of time which has been good for me lately. I've had two violin lessons which were really basic and I'm kind of way beyond that in some ways but my classically trained teacher wants to start basic and, I feel like it's okay right now, because I have a tendency to bite off more than I can chew, to want to learn three songs at once rather than just learning a few notes of one song at a time; my teacher going so slow sort of checks this tendency and shows me it's okay to be slow with it.

My parents are going to Galveston, Texas next month for an anniversary trip and my mother invited me to come... which I think would be amazing -- beach! -- but also money is a thing and I feel like it would be so awkward to spend time with my mother after being so vulnerable. But yeah, I was vulnerable about the dysphoria and she offered to help me. I was vulnerable about the anxiety and overwhelm and she offered to help me. I feel more supported by my mother than I've ever felt and for the first time I feel like she's actually got my back. She said that she did and I believe it. I don't know what's changed, but she has gone from her old attitude of, when I expressed concern or fear or anxiety about something, saying "I don't know what to tell you," to a new attitude of, "we'll figure it out somehow." Which feels so much more supportive, I can't even say.
lilywolf: (thestral)
Spending time alone together. Comfort in silence. Comfort in doing nothing. I really enjoy sharing physical space in silence with people I love, doing my own thing while taking in the presence and energy of others, not feeling pushed to do anything in particular or be anything but what I am, and letting you be exactly what you are, though the suggestion to do something might come up and we might choose to follow through with it. I may be reading a book and you may be sewing or just sitting there, but if we're in the same room, and we occasionally share a few words and a laugh or whatever, and maybe once in a while process our emotions together, that's a really awesome time for me.

Self-care. It's so nourishing for me to be able to trust that you are not going to end up resenting me because you were not taking care of yourself. That's where a lot of my anxiety in relationships comes from -- I get absolutely terrified of that, really. It drains me to be on edge and to have you expect things of me that you're not telling me you're expecting. It's important that you can clearly articulate what your needs and wants are, as far as our relationship is concerned, and that you will *not* do something to yourself and end up resenting me for it. It's important that you can say no when you mean no, and that your yes really means yes.

Initiative. Inviting me. Nudging me. Initiating conversations. Initiating plans. Telling me what you want. Not being afraid to bother me. Choosing to be vulnerable. Taking an active role in the course of our friendship.

Talking about our friendship. Talking about our friendship, what it means to us, where we want to go with it, etc., is really nourishing to me, and also shows initiative.

Emotional/spiritual processing. I love talking about and exploring how we're doing emotionally, what's going on for us internally, sort of just being mindful of our experience and sharing whatever comes up for us, and then offering impressions/feedback, and going with the flow of what comes up for us.

Nourishing others. I love caregiving, taking care of people when they're sick, giving people a safe physical space when they need it, offering my time/attention and whatever gifts I have to offer in a nourishing way. I like being hospitable and sharing a sort of soft mothering quality -- pretty much what Sinead O'Connor sings in This is to Mother You. I also just love seeing that I am nourishing others, in whatever way; that gives my life purpose, and that can bring tears to my eyes.

Play and exploration. I like spontaneous play and exploration, of places, of new things or games or experiences that maybe neither of us has tried, going out into the woods and just fencing with sticks or playing hide and seek, laughing a hell of a lot and being really silly, acting like kids. Being able to be childlike and to be un-self-conscious while being extremely silly in ways that don't even make sense is hugely nourishing.

Cuddling, touching, loving eye contact, affection. I don't think much needs to be said about that.

Surprises and spontaneous adventures. Going to the beach or whitewater rafting or a road trip where we spend significant time together and get to see each other through a lot of different things and getting to help each other through stuck places and generally sharing a whole experience together.

Letting me know how I've influenced you. I love feeling like I have a presence in the lives of people I care about even when I'm not around. I feel nourished when you tell me you've been thinking of me, or that something you did or spent a lot of time thinking about or wrote about was inspired by me, or sharing memories with me that still nourish you, or that I've changed the entire course of your life. That sort of thing.

Creating together. For me this is broadly choosing to do some kind of project, any kind of project, or making a plan to do something together, setting shared goals, and working together as a team. Learning a language together has been a *huge* connecting and nourishing thing for me. It is also creating intentionality: mutually choosing intentions for a relationship and goals and a shared excitement about checking in and offering feedback and processing.

Sharing nature. Another self-explanatory one, I think. Sharing experiences of nature, especially with water involved, really nourishes me.

Being asked questions and being heard. I love being asked questions that take interest in my life and who I am. Sometimes I really adore those really personal, really scary questions that give me butterflies in my stomach like admitting to a middle school crush. I love when people listen to my answers wherever they go and get appreciate those answers. What I don't like and what immediately shuts me down is when I feel a sort of judgment about the way I think or process things.

Sharing my writing and my dreams. I feel nourished by a mutual sharing of writing as on Live Journal and discussions and deeper discussions and reflections of that writing. With friends who I resonate with spiritually, and have a certain level of intimacy with, sharing and exploring and processing my dreams and sharing my insights and process of understanding myself better through them is really meaningful to me. I love sharing the process of mining the psyche and the soul with another.

Telling my story and hearing the story of others. It's important to me to be able to share my life story or parts of it in an emotionally vulnerable way with all the questions and mysteries that come along with it. It's nourishing for me to hear another tell their life story with emotional vulnerability. I especially love telling my story while cuddled up in someone's arms.

Showing gratitude and excitement. This didn't cross my mind at first, but after having some exchanges with my new friend Johan, who I'm pretty much crushing on (don't tell him that, hope he doesn't read because I just mentioned this post to him!), I realized that these are like, things that open my heart the most. When people get excited about little things, it nourishes me deeply. Just this exuberance and OMG sort of excitement. Like, I mentioned a possible whitewater rafting and camping trip I was wanting to organize with awesome local people I know and Johan was like: "!!! First of all thank you for thinking I'm awesome, omg? you're awesome, too? secondly, yeah totally! Let me know when you know more, like, details and it's on!" <---- That. That is the kind of thing that just fucking opens my heart, gah!

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