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Mar. 29th, 2015

lilywolf: (thestral)
Most of my friends seem to have a "thing." Something essential to them, a quality or interest, where you could ask the question "who are you?" and one word would tell you a lot, a quality or interest that it's hard to imagine them without: nature, psychology, healing, anti-oppression, animals, whatever. I don't know how others see me, if I have such a "thing." Today I feel like I have such a thing but it's been hidden so long because it's been so inaccessible, and that's alternative education, learning communities, caring for children, creating safe spaces. Okay, that's still too many words. I'll put it into one: children.

I haven't come into my fullness there because society makes education so difficult for those that don't want to get conventional credentials and teach at a conventional school, and society makes it even harder for people who are trans, so the idea of working with the Atlanta Pride School, which is both a democratic free school model and an LGBTQ affirming space, founded by a trans man, pretty much thrills me. Like I found my "thing," and now that it's starting to manifest in my life, maybe others will be able to point to it and say, "That's Lily."

I went to their potluck today and it was one of the scariest things I've done in a long time because I so want this to work out; it was kind of like going for an interview for a dream job. Oh, and they're planning to pay teachers $30,000-$40,000 a year. At first I felt really sensitive to some of the things that were said, by some of the people that were there, but they were not people I'd expect to be involved in the day-to-day school, just... fiscal supporters and such. One cis guy in particular took up a lot of space at the beginning, though in general I think those who were problematic were mostly people who don't plan to be actively involved in the school on the ground, but are just supporters of the concept. Things were said that sort of created a dichotomy between queer and "normal," things that kind of call attention to queerness in a way that makes it an issue (like, the easiest sort of thing that comes to mind, "he wears skirts but.") That kind of subtle language thing that sticks out to me like a sore thumb. This was an informal meeting for supporters and really no indication of what the school will look like (and so so many conversations about safe space and gender and all those things are bound to happen). I have hope (and I'm a little scared, just because it means so much to me) for the school itself being a community I can support and will help fill a hole in me that's been there for such a long time.

I told Christian I had a vision of my purpose, playing violin and speaking languages and teaching in a setting where I could be exactly who I was and the children could be exactly who they were and we could all just be ourselves. And he said excitedly, "You were in my dream!" That's exactly what this is, and he said it's like having a whole new family. There's another aspect of my vision that I forgot about: not only had I started a school, I was wandering around the world, helping to start schools and structures for belonging all over the land, traveling with some of my favourite people. Today Christian talked about Atlanta Pride School as a model that others can use and start schools anywhere, and there's such a need for this kind of school though there are actually pretty close to zero schools like this in the entire country. What if I did travel and helped to start schools like this all over the place? That *would* change the world.

The only other thing I can think to say right now is, in Asheville, I started to remember the AERO conference, and this clove-smoking girl who taught at an alternative school in North Carolina or Florida (I don't remember which though at the time I was thinking for sure it was NC) and who I never talked to, but in the vision, and I can't figure out how much of this actually happened, she was sort of watching me me, observing me, from a distance having this melty effect on me I couldn't explain. I imagined her hiding behind corners of brick buildings, watching me, and in the vision she was goddess seeking me. I remembered Ron Miller telling me, a certain person was looking for me, and I was sure it was her. All I know is that the role she plays in my psyche is powerful; she's that fae teacher who's passion is children and who gets to just be herself. After today, I'm really interested in going to the AERO conference again, representing Atlanta Pride School.

Afterwards I tried to go to Charis Books with Cosma but it was closed. We had some good discussions, processing the potluck, and Cosma talked about wanting to get some mental health stuff taken care of, and not having a diagnosis but thinking that a bipolar diagnosis probably fits. I gave her some of the over the counter lithium orotate I bought, and since it's supposed to be such a great mood stabilizer (I don't know because I started taking it in conjunction with something else), it might be a good tool for self-diagnosis. If the lithium helps a lot, it might be a good idea to think about getting a diagnosis. I'm curious how it affects her.

It's been a long, good weekend. I'm really tired and worn out right now. Christian actually suggested self-care because it is a lot to take in, especially when it's so close to my heart. I think I might feel like watching avatar.

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