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Apr. 9th, 2015

lilywolf: (thestral)
I'm weary tonight.

I had a beautiful 15 mile bike ride down the Silver Comet Trail. Though it was near 90 degrees, the humidity felt low, and I was really enjoying the warmth without the sweat. I wish it wasn't so far to get to the trail. I'd probably end up riding my bike nearly every day. I could scope out some relatively flat local roads, too, but I'm a bit nervous about road riding because on the one short ride I did down the street, I got honked at, the sort of honking that's meant to scare you just because you're on a bike. If I have to deal with that more than once every thousand cars or so, it's kind of not worth it, and the track record so far isn't good...

I probably could have kept riding indefinitely if I didn't have some place to be. Cosma wanted a ride to the Icarus Project meeting, so I took her, and I don't know what it is, but every time I'm in Little Five Points I feel ungrounded and lightheaded. I believe this was true last summer, too. In fact, I distinctly remember it. I don't know if the energy of the place is really weird and affects me in a strange way, or if my body just happens to be feeling ugh whenever I'm there, but it's annoying. Northampton used to do that to me too. I don't believe I've ever been in Little Five Points feeling good. I'm not sure if it's possible.

I'm not sure if the meeting was useful to me or not. I think over time it will be, but like a therapy session, it doesn't always feel good right away.

On the ride there I started talking to Cosma about not having heard back from anyone yet about the possibility of living at Kweer Haus, and we talked about how that space may be just a tad too extroverted for me. She said Wonky House is also looking for roommates and seems like a more introverted space. Rent is under $300 and it's a radical space and there are huge garden plots so, I'm going to look into it. But I'm kind of scared that there may not be spaces that fit. We talked about how even the most radical spaces seem rife with ableism and my heart sinks because it's too true. If I inquire about living at this place will I need to hold back as far as discussing my limitations in order to even have a chance? I need to be able to discuss my limitations if I'm going to feel safe in a place, but will I ever find something that way?

It's terrifying to feel like I can't be open about my limitations even in a radical community because, well, even those spaces don't seem to have a clue how to really deal with disability. There's this cultural norm that doing and productivity (and a certain kind of doing and productivity) is valued and most of us haven't begun to figure out how to unlearn that oppression and I'm so tired of that crap. Of everyone I know, James seems to be a breath of fresh air in this regard, just absolutely safe in ways I can't describe. I'm not sure I could be so lucky elsewhere.

Then at the Icarus Project meeting I brought up what was on my mind around housing and at least half the group or more seemed to share my concern. We spent a lot of time talking about it. Disability just seems to shrink our housing options to, almost nothing it feels like sometimes. A lot of them expressed similar experiences: I used to be able to find a place to live overnight, just jump on Craigslist and by evening I had a key. I used to be willing to live out of my car if I had to; now I'm a hell of a lot more picky about who I live with, which really comes down to who I feel safe with, and it's scary especially when I'm stressed and don't feel so resilient, I feel like there are no sanctuaries. Being trans and now needing to be open about being trans for my well being shrinks my options and then...

I can't help but think about my "looking for disability housing dream," and how relevant that feels right now. I intend to stay in Atlanta. I want to. I like it here. I've made a lot of connections. But the truth is, over the long term, if I'm not able to find what I need here, I may need to go where that's appearing to me, wherever that is. I need to do what's best for my health, whatever that is. I've chosen to stay but if something else appears I don't want to feel limited. Atlanta has already given me more than enough.

I went with Cosma and Lee and Jayda to Five Points Pizza afterwards. Cosma recommended the Hawaiian slice which was nice and big and I ate it with a knife and fork and it reminded me of being in Europe. I started missing Europe and the kind of connection I felt there. I was really quiet all night but I just enjoyed hanging out with people sitting around a table. I want more opportunities to do simple things like that. The thing with this medication is that, my social anxiety is better, but it's like I need to be around people more often in order to be okay.

We talked about some deep shit. Stuff that kind of made me feel hopeless about the world, and put me in the mind state of, what the fuck am I doing here? All the cards are stacked against us. I don't really like being the canary in the mine. I'm meant for love and beauty.

And love. Fuck, love. I'm way too tired to write well about this right now. I feel like my chance for love has passed me by, because I don't see anyone that fits, and I don't even know what someone who fits would even look like. How long do I keep fucking waiting? It's devastating, lonely. Makes me doubt what I'm doing here. I'm way too introverted, I'm way too trans, I'm way too.... gah. It's so easy to come up with all the reasons I'm defective. I don't want to get old without someone to cherish like that. I don't want to grow jaded and lose my faith in love. We went to this party at the mansion after sitting at Five Points Pizza and, it was kind of too much for me, I felt a lot of dysphoria, I started to count all the reasons no one would love me, all the ways everyone is too different from me to ever get me... so I drove home.

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