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May. 5th, 2015

lilywolf: (thestral)

So many aspects of depression, or whatever I'm going through. Feeling like I have nothing inside of me, at least nothing useful to anybody else, and so I'm horrified in social situations where I'm actually expected to say something. I can't reveal that there's nothing there. I feel like such an automaton lately. Less spontaneous than I've felt in years. And about the possibility that I might inadvertently reveal to the world the emptiness I'm feeling inside, that they might find there's nothing substantial in this shell, I'm scared. I need to force myself to do/say something when I don't feel like doing or saying anything, even if it's not me, even if it feels like I'm a robot just saying stuff so I don't appear completely dead, which would freak people out if they knew and I'd be saddled with so many more problems. How long will this last? Social anxiety based on this not knowing who I am, based on not knowing what to say and hating to seem silent and uncreative and to offer nothing... has never been this bad.  I want to be around people but I just don't have anything interesting to say 90% of the time. This is how I felt with my ex partner at one point: having nothing to offer, nothing to say, yet wanting closeness, having no idea what that meant when I couldn't even find myself. I was just this void hoping I could still be loveable.

I'm amazed that I ever felt like I had any kind of skill at being in relationship. Any supposed skill now feels like bullshit, or wishful thinking. I'm just hoping my perspective is clouded now. Maybe there is something here... some redeeming quality... but it ain't here now.


lilywolf: (Default)

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