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Sep. 8th, 2015

lilywolf: (thestral)
I don't know where to begin, but I realized today how much I'm repressing again, so a good writing would probably do me good -- especially since I'm resisting it. I'm back at the place of having a lot of trouble trusting that other people want to hear what I have to say, and also trusting that I'm creative enough to have anything to say at all. I highly suspect the Geodon I'm taking may have something to do with it. I want to stop censoring myself so much. I'm feeling a lot of intense fear energy, fear of mortality, just fear of... everything.

I'm terrified of writing. I don't know what's going to come out. I keep stopping and starting because I'm resisting something big. I've probably got to write and write and write and not censor myself for a long time before my energy feels like it's flowing again. When I am with words, writing them, reading them, especially especially writing them, I get into a flow. I don't know where that flow will go, and... there's this horrible fear inside of me, of writing too much, saying too much, and it's times like these that I remember that writing is helpful for me. It grounds me. It gets things moving again when they've been stuck, and they've been reeeally stuck. I've had a long exhausting day but this feeling of wanting to go to sleep that I'm having right now is not just that, it's resistance.

I fear people I love dying. I fear dying. I fear never finding the right relationship. I fear overstepping boundaries. I fear not measuring up. I fear people I absolutely adore and have unconditional love for, people who are not currently in my life... Aurilion especially... not remembering me as loving them. I fear that my love is not enough, that it's impotent.

Saying what I need to say.

Christi, is it okay that I'm still really shy around you and don't know why? Is it okay if I don't know much about topping and that I love to learn and want you to teach me? Is it okay that I have this really jealous and co-dependent relationship-scared part of me (though I recognize it and usually find the space to work through it)? Is it okay that I really like you but still can't find the words to tell you*what* I like about you? I need to tell you, I think you're an amazing being and I don't want to miss the chance to get to know you. I feel especially uncreative lately, I used to have fun writing and playing with words and right now that's not there, I feel like I can't be as playful because I'm not as playful with language, and I don't want to miss the chance to play with you.

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lilywolf

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