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[personal profile] lilywolf
Life is intense. It's going in wild directions, I can just feel it. Last night at a pagan meetup we talked about nexus, or those points in your life when it's sort of like a marble is rolling in a straight line and then it hits a bump -- chaos theory, the butterfly effect, that marble could then end up going anywhere, and a new pattern emerges. Something is going on beneath the surface. Something really big is going to change in my life soon, and I don't know what it is, but it feels big. I want to try doing sigil magic to bring in some synchronicity to help me feel this underlying movement more clearly. I've never done it but it feels like an easy and powerful way to create changes in things. I also got a strong impression that I wanted to get another moldavite necklace at Phoenix and Dragon. A year and a half ago I got my first one there, and gave it to Chrissy this summer, and that necklace really brought me through some huge transformation that I didn't notice at the time. I think I'm ready for a little nudge to get over the bump in the surface and to roll in a direction that would be fruitful for me.

So much socializing over the last couple days. Tonight, eating pizza and socializing with Ren and Couv and Savannah, talking about possibly living at Kweer House, which feels a little overwhelming but also like a really good fit that might help me get to that next place in life. I was invited to a potential barbecue birthday party for Sav on Friday. It's scary to go from the solitude I currently enjoy to living in intentional community but I think I may be ready for it. I also learned about a bunch of things: a place called Lost and Found, which apparently has really good clothes and stuff for sale really cheap (Couv connects it to queers having the best taste in things), and proceeds go to supporting LGBTQ youth in Atlanta. Also, the kinky convention Frolicon is coming up, and there's a queer play party; in general it's pretty straight/heteroflexible but Ren talked about feeling safe and welcome as a trans person and that it's at least a queerer space than walking down the street. "More queer than Krogers," he says, though apparently there is one Krogers in particular that's pretty queer. Then there is a Facebook group, called Transit something or other, I don't remember the other word, that's basically Atlanta queer people posting for activity partners. Like, hey, I'm doing this, anyone want to join me? Which I think is brilliant and how did I not know there was such a thing?

I had a little bit of social anxiety but most of it was fear of being so exhausted and not being interesting or whatever. I have not been so exhausted in years (and I'm coming down with a cold) and yet I managed to socialize and be totally fine. Still in awe of how I feel with this medicine.

I've been gaming, playing ArcheAge, which has these amazing graphics and is just like the MUD I used to play except totally visual; I get frustrated with it sometimes, as I get frustrated with violin, but I'm learning to just take things a piece at a time. I get so in the flow with that game and lose track of time which has been good for me lately. I've had two violin lessons which were really basic and I'm kind of way beyond that in some ways but my classically trained teacher wants to start basic and, I feel like it's okay right now, because I have a tendency to bite off more than I can chew, to want to learn three songs at once rather than just learning a few notes of one song at a time; my teacher going so slow sort of checks this tendency and shows me it's okay to be slow with it.

My parents are going to Galveston, Texas next month for an anniversary trip and my mother invited me to come... which I think would be amazing -- beach! -- but also money is a thing and I feel like it would be so awkward to spend time with my mother after being so vulnerable. But yeah, I was vulnerable about the dysphoria and she offered to help me. I was vulnerable about the anxiety and overwhelm and she offered to help me. I feel more supported by my mother than I've ever felt and for the first time I feel like she's actually got my back. She said that she did and I believe it. I don't know what's changed, but she has gone from her old attitude of, when I expressed concern or fear or anxiety about something, saying "I don't know what to tell you," to a new attitude of, "we'll figure it out somehow." Which feels so much more supportive, I can't even say.

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September 2015

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