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lilywolf: (thestral)
[personal profile] lilywolf

I'm in India getting the procedure done that I've wanted/needed for four years or so, so finally I am choosing to give myself what I need to be happy or at least not miserable and self conscious anymore, though it's going to take a while to start seeing results and I'm really nervous, especially about how to handle the awkward stage.

I've also been having deep conversations with Christi who has been so emotionally available. They asked me out the day I left for India and it was kind of perfect timing. I do feel a connection and I'm both excited and really nervous; I said a date would be nice and let's explore it. It might have to be long distance, which didn't work for them in the past, unless I want to try spending significant time back in DC again. I'm happy with whatever our connection becomes if we explore deeply and intimately and honestly but Im afraid what I have to offer, like not being able to be physically close to them, won't be enough for them... I want to enter into this without preconceived expectations. I'm realizing that pretty much every time I have a crush on someone it's mutual, though I often don't realize that until much later, because I'm so insecure and think no one could like me.

I'm just bored and healing from my first procedure. I have a second in a couple days. I'm just so nervous about how I will get through the awkward phase and how long before I'm finally free of this dysphoria. Also kind of afraid Christi won't like me anymore because of the awkward phase...

All in all I think the depression medication is helping a bit, and the talking with Christi has been very therapeutic. As was seeing Jon who did some subtle and I think powerful work to bring my energy field back into balance.

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