Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
lilywolf: (thestral)
[personal profile] lilywolf
I don't know where to begin, but I realized today how much I'm repressing again, so a good writing would probably do me good -- especially since I'm resisting it. I'm back at the place of having a lot of trouble trusting that other people want to hear what I have to say, and also trusting that I'm creative enough to have anything to say at all. I highly suspect the Geodon I'm taking may have something to do with it. I want to stop censoring myself so much. I'm feeling a lot of intense fear energy, fear of mortality, just fear of... everything.

I'm terrified of writing. I don't know what's going to come out. I keep stopping and starting because I'm resisting something big. I've probably got to write and write and write and not censor myself for a long time before my energy feels like it's flowing again. When I am with words, writing them, reading them, especially especially writing them, I get into a flow. I don't know where that flow will go, and... there's this horrible fear inside of me, of writing too much, saying too much, and it's times like these that I remember that writing is helpful for me. It grounds me. It gets things moving again when they've been stuck, and they've been reeeally stuck. I've had a long exhausting day but this feeling of wanting to go to sleep that I'm having right now is not just that, it's resistance.

I fear people I love dying. I fear dying. I fear never finding the right relationship. I fear overstepping boundaries. I fear not measuring up. I fear people I absolutely adore and have unconditional love for, people who are not currently in my life... Aurilion especially... not remembering me as loving them. I fear that my love is not enough, that it's impotent.

Saying what I need to say.

Christi, is it okay that I'm still really shy around you and don't know why? Is it okay if I don't know much about topping and that I love to learn and want you to teach me? Is it okay that I have this really jealous and co-dependent relationship-scared part of me (though I recognize it and usually find the space to work through it)? Is it okay that I really like you but still can't find the words to tell you*what* I like about you? I need to tell you, I think you're an amazing being and I don't want to miss the chance to get to know you. I feel especially uncreative lately, I used to have fun writing and playing with words and right now that's not there, I feel like I can't be as playful because I'm not as playful with language, and I don't want to miss the chance to play with you.
From:
Anonymous( )Anonymous This account has disabled anonymous posting.
OpenID( )OpenID You can comment on this post while signed in with an account from many other sites, once you have confirmed your email address. Sign in using OpenID.
User
Account name:
Password:
If you don't have an account you can create one now.
Subject:
HTML doesn't work in the subject.

Message:

 
Notice: This account is set to log the IP addresses of everyone who comments.
Links will be displayed as unclickable URLs to help prevent spam.

Profile

lilywolf: (Default)
lilywolf

September 2015

S M T W T F S
   12345
67 89101112
1314151617 1819
20212223242526
27282930   

Style Credit

Page generated Jul. 26th, 2017 12:36 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios