Just to love and be loved in return
"We totally bonded. She's amazing!! I Love!" -- Alexis to me about Rebecca
So, the retreat that I withdrew from is almost over, though I feel the love of two beautiful people, Alexis and Rebecca, I feel their energy healing me even in my absence. At the same time, I know that my connection to both of them could have deepened so much on this retreat -- these connections feel RIPE to deepen -- so I'm somewhat doubting my decision to withdraw. Still, perhaps my intuition to withdraw is allowing other gifts to come into my life. We'll see!
I needed especially Rebecca to witness me now, and to witness her, in this vulnerable healing space. Now that our friendship is becoming something even deeper, so much more can unfold in that space. But Alexis and I have a sort of conspiracy to get her to the Mountain in February. I feel the possibilities.
Alexis and I have a sort of conspiracy to get Rebecca to the Mountain in February. I'm so excited to talk to Rebecca, I'm overflowing with love for her and I want to express that. I hold back with her. But her energy is so open right now -- I can feel it psychically -- and I don't want to hold any of it back right now. My energy, my excitement, my love for her is okay. I need to allow that. I hope I can see her tomorrow. I hope I can see her and not hold back and just gush love. I pray for the courage to stay in this totally open, loving space where the immensity of my love for her can be expressed and known.
So many friendships are unfolding. I'm impatient because I see the possibilities in them way too early perhaps -- maybe my psychic gift is to see early on the hidden potentials of a friendship -- and then, in certain magical moments, they start to become what I knew they could be. And perhaps it's both a gift and a pain in the arse that I'm so sensitive to what my love/energy and that of another person can become if we really trust and embrace it.
I posted on Facebook, "Need hot pink stainless steel wire for some mayhem," and Kat responded, "I love every word in that sentence, and put together? Sounds like a bloody good time." She sees me. She gets it. I love her.
OK Cupid. Not necessarily my favourite place, though I've met a couple of good friends through it. For some reason, though I did my best, hardly anyone contacted me and those I did contact didn't message me back. It was really bad for my self-esteem! I don't know how I did it but I've finally got my profile so it really reflects me in a down-to-earth way. I wanted it to convey who I am energetically and not just a list of interests or whatever. I put up all sorts of pictures that I felt reflected different aspects of who I am. (I thought before that lots of pictures would make people see how ugly I am and not want to write to me!) But suddenly, since I activated my profile again, it's getting lots of attention! I've had several people tell me how much they love it. Some people I never thought would have been interested in talking to me ARE interested! One said, "ohmygoodness, I love your profile ... I totally get the gender fluidity thing, too - depending on the day I can be anywhere on that spectrum. I could write a small novel in response to your profile, but I'd rather do that in person (where I can drool over your bookshelves). :)" I mean, if that's not a way into my heart, what is? Not only drooling over my bookshelves -- THAT'S a fetish! -- but the audacity of saying, well, I just messaged you and this is crazy but I loved your profile so meet me maybe? (Okay, that was lame.) And I'm not putting any weight on OK Cupid as far as my self-esteem, but wow, I've somehow managed to make my profile reflect myself, with no bullshit -- not giving a shit if people like me, and happy when it repels the wrong people because it would be a waste of time anyway -- and the right people seem to be drawn.
A couple months ago, when we did my naming ceremony at the yurt, we sat around a campfire and asked each other some questions. "What are you most proud of?" I think was one of them, and I mentioned that I don't like that word and all the baggage attached to it. Yesterday LJ told me she was proud of me for stepping into my name, for choosing to be Lily and standing in that. I didn't feel that sense of "proud" when she said that. I heard it as, "You did something courageous and inspiring." But what am I proud of, if we're going to use that word? Right now, it's my ability to connect to people, to love people, to connect with people in a deep way. It's being capable of giving and receiving all this love all over the place. It's coming into my own as a fierce lover, just like LJ. :)
And it's also, well, they say that what you most admire and find beautiful in others is also part of you, and I'm discovering that's absolutely true. There were certain qualities in people I would drool over but they would feel so far from my world. I'd be attracted to that sort of person but I just wasn't on their radar. As these parts of me come out of hiding, and I realize that they are ME and I own it, as I know myself better, I find these very people interested in me. When we let go of our old stories, things happen!
Somehow despite all the stuff I wrote about in my last post, people aren't altogether repelled by me. Or, I hope not. I still wonder.
And the line from Linda Marks' article keeps running through my mind: "We hunger for intimacy in a way most people can't imagine, not necessarily because we get less of it, but because we think we do."
So, the retreat that I withdrew from is almost over, though I feel the love of two beautiful people, Alexis and Rebecca, I feel their energy healing me even in my absence. At the same time, I know that my connection to both of them could have deepened so much on this retreat -- these connections feel RIPE to deepen -- so I'm somewhat doubting my decision to withdraw. Still, perhaps my intuition to withdraw is allowing other gifts to come into my life. We'll see!
I needed especially Rebecca to witness me now, and to witness her, in this vulnerable healing space. Now that our friendship is becoming something even deeper, so much more can unfold in that space. But Alexis and I have a sort of conspiracy to get her to the Mountain in February. I feel the possibilities.
Alexis and I have a sort of conspiracy to get Rebecca to the Mountain in February. I'm so excited to talk to Rebecca, I'm overflowing with love for her and I want to express that. I hold back with her. But her energy is so open right now -- I can feel it psychically -- and I don't want to hold any of it back right now. My energy, my excitement, my love for her is okay. I need to allow that. I hope I can see her tomorrow. I hope I can see her and not hold back and just gush love. I pray for the courage to stay in this totally open, loving space where the immensity of my love for her can be expressed and known.
So many friendships are unfolding. I'm impatient because I see the possibilities in them way too early perhaps -- maybe my psychic gift is to see early on the hidden potentials of a friendship -- and then, in certain magical moments, they start to become what I knew they could be. And perhaps it's both a gift and a pain in the arse that I'm so sensitive to what my love/energy and that of another person can become if we really trust and embrace it.
I posted on Facebook, "Need hot pink stainless steel wire for some mayhem," and Kat responded, "I love every word in that sentence, and put together? Sounds like a bloody good time." She sees me. She gets it. I love her.
OK Cupid. Not necessarily my favourite place, though I've met a couple of good friends through it. For some reason, though I did my best, hardly anyone contacted me and those I did contact didn't message me back. It was really bad for my self-esteem! I don't know how I did it but I've finally got my profile so it really reflects me in a down-to-earth way. I wanted it to convey who I am energetically and not just a list of interests or whatever. I put up all sorts of pictures that I felt reflected different aspects of who I am. (I thought before that lots of pictures would make people see how ugly I am and not want to write to me!) But suddenly, since I activated my profile again, it's getting lots of attention! I've had several people tell me how much they love it. Some people I never thought would have been interested in talking to me ARE interested! One said, "ohmygoodness, I love your profile ... I totally get the gender fluidity thing, too - depending on the day I can be anywhere on that spectrum. I could write a small novel in response to your profile, but I'd rather do that in person (where I can drool over your bookshelves). :)" I mean, if that's not a way into my heart, what is? Not only drooling over my bookshelves -- THAT'S a fetish! -- but the audacity of saying, well, I just messaged you and this is crazy but I loved your profile so meet me maybe? (Okay, that was lame.) And I'm not putting any weight on OK Cupid as far as my self-esteem, but wow, I've somehow managed to make my profile reflect myself, with no bullshit -- not giving a shit if people like me, and happy when it repels the wrong people because it would be a waste of time anyway -- and the right people seem to be drawn.
A couple months ago, when we did my naming ceremony at the yurt, we sat around a campfire and asked each other some questions. "What are you most proud of?" I think was one of them, and I mentioned that I don't like that word and all the baggage attached to it. Yesterday LJ told me she was proud of me for stepping into my name, for choosing to be Lily and standing in that. I didn't feel that sense of "proud" when she said that. I heard it as, "You did something courageous and inspiring." But what am I proud of, if we're going to use that word? Right now, it's my ability to connect to people, to love people, to connect with people in a deep way. It's being capable of giving and receiving all this love all over the place. It's coming into my own as a fierce lover, just like LJ. :)
And it's also, well, they say that what you most admire and find beautiful in others is also part of you, and I'm discovering that's absolutely true. There were certain qualities in people I would drool over but they would feel so far from my world. I'd be attracted to that sort of person but I just wasn't on their radar. As these parts of me come out of hiding, and I realize that they are ME and I own it, as I know myself better, I find these very people interested in me. When we let go of our old stories, things happen!
Somehow despite all the stuff I wrote about in my last post, people aren't altogether repelled by me. Or, I hope not. I still wonder.
And the line from Linda Marks' article keeps running through my mind: "We hunger for intimacy in a way most people can't imagine, not necessarily because we get less of it, but because we think we do."