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Goodbye bad times, hello Lily
Jan. 21st, 2013 04:14 amThis weekend has brought so many gifts. It was hard to honour my intuition -- even to recognize the difference between it and shoulds/expectations -- but when I did, all sorts of things started falling into place.
I love my oracle cards. When I was deciding whether to withdraw from the retreat, I got the card "Wait." That deck always works for me. Once the same card came out about five times in a row until I actually listen to the message. A few of the same cards seem to come up all the time and I feel like there are plenty of cards I haven't really seen. So, it tells me wait, and that's the hard thing, but it confirmed my intuition. It told me that if I waited, other opportunities would arise. And they have!
Going to Natalie's and spending time with her kids was wonderful! I played with her little girl Luna who was in the bath and we made up all sorts of stories with toy animals. I was a seahorse that looked like a seal. She was a sheep and we both wanted to be able to fly like the birds. We took a potion and then we could fly! It was actually really healing narrative! It was also healing because, I had mentioned fears of others being suspicious of me because, first of all, I have a male body, and to add to that, because of my gender identity. I'm always afraid that someone will not want me around their kids because of this. And yet, here I was, completely trusted, loved, seen for who I am, and even allowed to play alone with her daughter taking a bath. To be trusted... wow, that's healing. I need that.
And her kids. So beautiful, so open to me, and called me "she" like it was the most natural thing in the world. I know kids have less hang-ups about gender than adults, but I thought it might be hard for them to use gender pronouns differently than they had learned!
Natalie said she has to discuss it with her kids first, but if they're okay with it, I can move in with them for a few months. What a wonderful location (biking distance to Rebecca and probably Quinn) and situation (living with awesome kids, with people who see me and allow me to be who I am.) If I had gone to the retreat, I never would have talked to LJ, she never would have suggested that needing mirrors is part of the issue; I never would have asked for a room, and I never would have seen Natalie. It all feels like it's unfolding according to a purpose now.
Right before I got to Natalie's, I called Rebecca. She and Alexis were on retreat together and they bonded. I thought they would. I could feel their energy on retreat and felt so open to it. I'm starting to own my sensing of energy as a gift. I'm starting to realize that, because of the way I sense energy, I know things, just intuitively. I often have an intuitive sense of what a certain connection can turn into. I can trust/distrust a person right away based on their energy. To think that most people don't have that! That they don't even sense energy which is pretty much my primary orientation to the world!
I told Rebecca I loved her, that I was gushing love for her. She was with Alexis and we all sent each other love. I think they were on speakerphone. I said I wished I could have been on retreat, and they said like it was the truest thing on earth, with an energy that made me totally believe them, "You were there." And they said, now, "We're all together." It took me a moment, but I felt it. Even though I was in a car talking to them on a phone, we WERE all together. Someone who doesn't feel energy might not get that, but it was true. I could feel their love beaming at me during the retreat, and I could feel myself getting what I needed from it, though I wasn't there. Somehow, that I could be held in such love even when I wasn't present, that was healing for me.
Alexis and I both want to get Rebecca to Shalom Mountain in February to meet LJ. It's amazing that, having just met Rebecca, she was willing to put down lots of money to make sure she got there, to help her out, and I was too. I was amazed that we're both willing to do that, to give a beautiful experience to a friend, and that she'd be willing to do that having just met Rebecca. That's the kind of love I love. Not time bound. So we're going to do what we can to get her there, and I hope she's open to that.
I mentioned to Alexis what this energy feels like, and I've only felt this sort of thing once before in my life. That time it was a lot messier. Between Amy, Anna and me. We called it our triangle, that couldn't be broken. Yeah, right, in retrospect: especially when there were romantic entanglements between me and the both of them. That's what you call a messy love triangle. Alexis said, "I've always wanted to be in a love triangle! A clean one!"
It felt like we are the sort of passionate, loving souls that can make something like this work. You know, I'd drive five hours to give someone a hug if they need it. Alexis, I feel that in her, too. Rebecca is maybe a bit more... independent in a certain sense... but I'm hoping she gets it and wants it. This is my passion. This is the sort of thing I live for: this creating space for such fierce love to emerge, space for belonging. It's what I so love about Dumbledore's Army. When I sense that the energy of others is ripe to do something crazy -- crazy love -- I cultivate that. That's my gift.
A love triangle, the strongest shape, where we support each other, and support each other in supporting each other, which is so much more powerful than one-on-one. I told them, if you want it, all we need is to name it, to claim it, and to love love love. Naming it is important. I think a symbol is also important. I'm not sure what that would be -- a pendant that we all share? Or, a photo of the three of us that we frame or something? I've realized that I need visual reminders that I'm loved and not alone, so this year, I'd like to get a lot of good pictures with my friends. I'd like to frame some of them, put them up on walls...
And then these messages I'm getting from people I haven't even met yet! Someone I was getting to know online a few months ago, who seemed really interested in writing but then didn't, sent me a message, and I read it over and over because it didn't feel real:
"I want to start my response to your email by stating a few obvious points that will hopefully shed light into why I have had such a challenging time responding:
"One: As much as I love writing letters I have never taken so long to write someone back in my entire tenure of emailing, my apologies I offer in place of this inconsistency.
Two: I have never come across a faint glimpse of a person that could make such an impact on my existence, to the point where I am rendered speechless or in this case 'typeless' and yet this is in fact what has happened.
Three: Are you aware that an idea, about an idea of a person, can in fact cause an unexpected shift in one’s entire realm of consciousness? This is also, in fact, what has happened to me."
And it goes on and, wow, to think that my energy can transform somebody that I've never even met and have hardly talked to!
From where I was a few days ago, where I've been for the last month, now I have the perspective that in so many ways my life is a romance, so much bigger than any romance most people know. So many friends feel like true love. And hopefully, someday, I'll really feel that in the trees and the snow.
And then, I found this song. Other than the fact that it was written before I took the name Lily, I half wonder if I was somehow the inspiration for this song. Not only is it absolutely perfect -- eerily perfect! -- for me, more specifically it's perfect for the experience I had this weekend, having to withdraw from a retreat because of prejudice around my name. And what's freaking amazing is that it's a male-sounding voice singing it!
And, since I was on retreat in spirit, I'm pretty sure spirit sent this to me as my retreat mat trip song.
Listen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9EviVnKaqUs
Lily Song by Foreverpanderings
Yeah maybe I should have started in a lower key
but then you wouldn't have even noticed me
I can be whoever you want me to be
I can be him, I can be her, why can't I just be me?
You can hate all you want but you'll never get to me
it all goes through me, I'll do just what I please
Criticism for the soul, now just grow
You thought you brought me to my knees
I guess it's time I start writing the obituaries
Goodbye envy, goodbye sorrow, you were legendary
There's no time for being shy when we're acting silly
Goodbye bad times, hello Lily
Yeah maybe I should have made a better first impression
Dwelling on the past is for the week
Other men and women they will try to drain you out
Don't try to scream, just try to speak
You can hate all you want when you have no name
It's all the same
Just try to rise above the name, it's all the same
Just try to rise above the noise
And criticism close to heart
rife from the start
but I just want to hear your voice
I guess it's time I started writing the obituaries
Goodbye envy, godobye sorrow, you were legendary
There's no time for being shy when acting silly
Goodbye bad times, hello Lily
I love my oracle cards. When I was deciding whether to withdraw from the retreat, I got the card "Wait." That deck always works for me. Once the same card came out about five times in a row until I actually listen to the message. A few of the same cards seem to come up all the time and I feel like there are plenty of cards I haven't really seen. So, it tells me wait, and that's the hard thing, but it confirmed my intuition. It told me that if I waited, other opportunities would arise. And they have!
Going to Natalie's and spending time with her kids was wonderful! I played with her little girl Luna who was in the bath and we made up all sorts of stories with toy animals. I was a seahorse that looked like a seal. She was a sheep and we both wanted to be able to fly like the birds. We took a potion and then we could fly! It was actually really healing narrative! It was also healing because, I had mentioned fears of others being suspicious of me because, first of all, I have a male body, and to add to that, because of my gender identity. I'm always afraid that someone will not want me around their kids because of this. And yet, here I was, completely trusted, loved, seen for who I am, and even allowed to play alone with her daughter taking a bath. To be trusted... wow, that's healing. I need that.
And her kids. So beautiful, so open to me, and called me "she" like it was the most natural thing in the world. I know kids have less hang-ups about gender than adults, but I thought it might be hard for them to use gender pronouns differently than they had learned!
Natalie said she has to discuss it with her kids first, but if they're okay with it, I can move in with them for a few months. What a wonderful location (biking distance to Rebecca and probably Quinn) and situation (living with awesome kids, with people who see me and allow me to be who I am.) If I had gone to the retreat, I never would have talked to LJ, she never would have suggested that needing mirrors is part of the issue; I never would have asked for a room, and I never would have seen Natalie. It all feels like it's unfolding according to a purpose now.
Right before I got to Natalie's, I called Rebecca. She and Alexis were on retreat together and they bonded. I thought they would. I could feel their energy on retreat and felt so open to it. I'm starting to own my sensing of energy as a gift. I'm starting to realize that, because of the way I sense energy, I know things, just intuitively. I often have an intuitive sense of what a certain connection can turn into. I can trust/distrust a person right away based on their energy. To think that most people don't have that! That they don't even sense energy which is pretty much my primary orientation to the world!
I told Rebecca I loved her, that I was gushing love for her. She was with Alexis and we all sent each other love. I think they were on speakerphone. I said I wished I could have been on retreat, and they said like it was the truest thing on earth, with an energy that made me totally believe them, "You were there." And they said, now, "We're all together." It took me a moment, but I felt it. Even though I was in a car talking to them on a phone, we WERE all together. Someone who doesn't feel energy might not get that, but it was true. I could feel their love beaming at me during the retreat, and I could feel myself getting what I needed from it, though I wasn't there. Somehow, that I could be held in such love even when I wasn't present, that was healing for me.
Alexis and I both want to get Rebecca to Shalom Mountain in February to meet LJ. It's amazing that, having just met Rebecca, she was willing to put down lots of money to make sure she got there, to help her out, and I was too. I was amazed that we're both willing to do that, to give a beautiful experience to a friend, and that she'd be willing to do that having just met Rebecca. That's the kind of love I love. Not time bound. So we're going to do what we can to get her there, and I hope she's open to that.
I mentioned to Alexis what this energy feels like, and I've only felt this sort of thing once before in my life. That time it was a lot messier. Between Amy, Anna and me. We called it our triangle, that couldn't be broken. Yeah, right, in retrospect: especially when there were romantic entanglements between me and the both of them. That's what you call a messy love triangle. Alexis said, "I've always wanted to be in a love triangle! A clean one!"
It felt like we are the sort of passionate, loving souls that can make something like this work. You know, I'd drive five hours to give someone a hug if they need it. Alexis, I feel that in her, too. Rebecca is maybe a bit more... independent in a certain sense... but I'm hoping she gets it and wants it. This is my passion. This is the sort of thing I live for: this creating space for such fierce love to emerge, space for belonging. It's what I so love about Dumbledore's Army. When I sense that the energy of others is ripe to do something crazy -- crazy love -- I cultivate that. That's my gift.
A love triangle, the strongest shape, where we support each other, and support each other in supporting each other, which is so much more powerful than one-on-one. I told them, if you want it, all we need is to name it, to claim it, and to love love love. Naming it is important. I think a symbol is also important. I'm not sure what that would be -- a pendant that we all share? Or, a photo of the three of us that we frame or something? I've realized that I need visual reminders that I'm loved and not alone, so this year, I'd like to get a lot of good pictures with my friends. I'd like to frame some of them, put them up on walls...
And then these messages I'm getting from people I haven't even met yet! Someone I was getting to know online a few months ago, who seemed really interested in writing but then didn't, sent me a message, and I read it over and over because it didn't feel real:
"I want to start my response to your email by stating a few obvious points that will hopefully shed light into why I have had such a challenging time responding:
"One: As much as I love writing letters I have never taken so long to write someone back in my entire tenure of emailing, my apologies I offer in place of this inconsistency.
Two: I have never come across a faint glimpse of a person that could make such an impact on my existence, to the point where I am rendered speechless or in this case 'typeless' and yet this is in fact what has happened.
Three: Are you aware that an idea, about an idea of a person, can in fact cause an unexpected shift in one’s entire realm of consciousness? This is also, in fact, what has happened to me."
And it goes on and, wow, to think that my energy can transform somebody that I've never even met and have hardly talked to!
From where I was a few days ago, where I've been for the last month, now I have the perspective that in so many ways my life is a romance, so much bigger than any romance most people know. So many friends feel like true love. And hopefully, someday, I'll really feel that in the trees and the snow.
And then, I found this song. Other than the fact that it was written before I took the name Lily, I half wonder if I was somehow the inspiration for this song. Not only is it absolutely perfect -- eerily perfect! -- for me, more specifically it's perfect for the experience I had this weekend, having to withdraw from a retreat because of prejudice around my name. And what's freaking amazing is that it's a male-sounding voice singing it!
And, since I was on retreat in spirit, I'm pretty sure spirit sent this to me as my retreat mat trip song.
Listen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9EviVnKaqUs
Lily Song by Foreverpanderings
Yeah maybe I should have started in a lower key
but then you wouldn't have even noticed me
I can be whoever you want me to be
I can be him, I can be her, why can't I just be me?
You can hate all you want but you'll never get to me
it all goes through me, I'll do just what I please
Criticism for the soul, now just grow
You thought you brought me to my knees
I guess it's time I start writing the obituaries
Goodbye envy, goodbye sorrow, you were legendary
There's no time for being shy when we're acting silly
Goodbye bad times, hello Lily
Yeah maybe I should have made a better first impression
Dwelling on the past is for the week
Other men and women they will try to drain you out
Don't try to scream, just try to speak
You can hate all you want when you have no name
It's all the same
Just try to rise above the name, it's all the same
Just try to rise above the noise
And criticism close to heart
rife from the start
but I just want to hear your voice
I guess it's time I started writing the obituaries
Goodbye envy, godobye sorrow, you were legendary
There's no time for being shy when acting silly
Goodbye bad times, hello Lily
