Swinging up and down, a room, HRT?

I've been swinging back and forth as far as emotional/mental health. When I'm with friends, I'm okay for a bit, and then they're gone and I so quickly spiral back into self-absorption. When I didn't hear back from Natalie for a while, that was hard. I considered the hospital again; and Julie called me. She explained that she'd often felt the same way, but the reality is, if she checked herself in she'd be pathologized and wouldn't be heard. And the truth is, last time, I wasn't heard -- not by the professionals. They seemed to be suspicious that my story wasn't the whole truth, I think: that I was running into these issues because, say, perhaps I was abusive, or... who knows. They didn't know me a bit, or the complexities of my inner world, and so how could they see me? It took the therapist there having a long conversation with someone who knows me very well, Renee, in order for them to realize that, yeah, my story was accurate and I really was just royally screwed over in a lot of ways. I needed an advocate before they'd trust me. (And honestly, I know it must sound like I'm reading something gendered into everything -- and I sort of am realizing how much of an effect it's had without my even realizing it -- I feel like they must have never seen a male with such sensitivity, caring and all of that, so they assumed something else must be going on. If I were a girl, perhaps they would have more easily bought that I was just screwed over. But as a boy?)

But to go into a place like that and be met with distrust from the start! "Hmm, if you're having these problems, something must be wrong with you!" No, it wasn't said outright. I could handle that then. Now that I'm dealing with issues that I don't think most people would get even if they trusted me, I don't know if I could handle that kind of thing. And I told Julie, what really helped the last time I was in the hospital? Community. Laughing with other people. Sharing our lives. The same thing I'm looking for now. I wonder if that's all so many of us are looking for: just a place to be held in love. So I think psychiatric hospitals sometimes are a replacement for something very simple and very necessary that for some insane reason our culture rarely provides. It's tragic that I feel the need sometimes to check myself into the hospital; but it's even more tragic that the solutions are so simple and don't cost any money and yet our culture seems at a loss to provide them. And me, I'm damn committed to providing them, if my friends come to me and need that. It's the least I can do...

Natalie finally got back to me about the room. I'm grateful I have at least this one possibility. Two of her kids are okay with me moving in; the oldest one, who is a bit more territorial, isn't sure, but they're having discussions about it and Natalie says that she's realizing there are "solutions to her no's." It's great that rather than just asking and taking no as no, they're having conversations about it, opening up possibilities. Trinity (the oldest) likes to sleep around the house sometimes and I mentioned that I'd be happy to sleep on floor/couch occasionally to accommodate her. I hope this works out as it would be a step in the right direction for me. Actually, living with children would be a huge step in the right direction. Luna is adorable. I'd be able to gather myself and my strength and start healing. I'd be so excited to learn more about what they like and create experiences with them. To live with an unschooling Shalom family! Being so close to so much nature -- right down the street from Mount Holyoke Range State Park, within biking distance of Rebecca and Quinn...

Three months. If I could be there three months, get stronger, work on my business, spend time in nature, play with kids. Three months and I think I'd be good. Three months and it wouldn't feel so daunting perhaps to head off to Madison and look for a room in a city where I only know one person.

I've been talking to Phoenix, the girl who sent me the wonderful explanation as to why she hadn't responded to me. It's kind of an amazing thing. I feel comfortable sharing and bringing up pretty much everything with her. Like, I don't have to censor myself at all, and she feels like she can share openly. All parts of ourselves.

She wrote in a chat: "I have a request....please never prevent yourself from writing just because you are in a particular 'space'. Interacting with me is free range. The only intentions I have with people is to allow them to be whatever they need to be and allow me to support in any way they need. There is nothing that you can say to me that I would not honor. I would like for us to have that kind of openness, it is the one thing I am not afraid of with you."

I responded, "Yes, I agree. And, having to only be able to share parts of ourselves with certain people and all that... it's exhausting, and being able to be all of you, it's very healing. so let's do that!"

"Right on! I am so down for that. Its so refreshing...."

None of the people I'm getting to know seem like romantic soulmate connections where it's like, yeah, I want to totally be with this person, live with them, share my life with them. It's friendship and sometimes romantic friendship. I wonder if I'll find that again. I haven't felt that way about anyone in years. I'm wondering what's in the way.

Sometimes I'm amazed at all the connections I've been forming, even with people I rarely see. A lot of it is Facebook. It used to feel draining, harsh, competitive. Since I started my new account a year ago, committed to only accepting people I loved and trusted, whose energy I felt good about, how much has changed. All I ever read or see on Facebook nowadays is inspiring. I'm floored by how often people leave messages filled with love. Honestly, I rarely get anything else. (If I had to live one day with the way my Facebook used to be, ugh!) And then, it's a way to build connections with people who I don't see very often. And it works. Like Natalie. It was just a couple of really simple but soul-level interactions with her and I felt a bond grow. And now there's a possibility of moving in with her. People I've only met once that I'm getting to know so much better and feeling deeper connections with. Renee wrote how much she missed the deeper, intimate community of Live Journal when it was vibrant. I miss it too. Facebook isn't a replacement for this, at all, but I wouldn't say the sharing that happens there is superficial. It's all in how we choose to use it.

And then, sometimes I feel like all that is not enough. So many connections, yes, but scattered all over the place! Which means I'm still alone a whole lot more than I want to be.

Is it odd that what seems to turn me on the most, in a sexual encounter, is a person's eyes? I can't get enough of them. Energy flowing back and forth. Eyes are amazing. I have trouble explaining that, on the one hand, I'm attracted to a person's energy... but on the other hand, I'm still very turned-on visually. Beauty matters, but it's the energy that infuses the flesh that makes the body beautiful. I see very physically beautiful people with no spark coming out of their eyes, who seem to have a cloud weighing down on them, and it's hard to get excited about that. But when I see someone with good energy, it doesn't matter so much what their body looks like, it will be eye-candy to me because their energy lights them up. I can't quite explain it.

While I'm on the subject, I also find it fascinating that, more and more, I get turned on when someone says something very romantic or that just resonates with my soul and I feel a deep heart-to-heart connection with them. Except it doesn't feel like getting "turned on." There's absolutely nothing sexual about it -- I mean, it doesn't turn me on in the way something typically turns me on -- just pure heart connection, but somehow that frees all of my energy and it's like, "How odd, I have an erection!" And it's more powerful than typical ways of being turned on.

I've been thinking about what I want to do this year, or what I need to do, for growth and healing. What's coming up in a few days is the work week at Rowe Conference Center. I've been so sedentary lately. I think it would be good for me, work and community. Of course, if I do move in with Natalie, it's during the week she'd be away -- and she suggested I could move in during that week so I can settle in and have the house to myself. So it's a trade-off... but I feel like meeting and working with people at a free weekend at Rowe would be good for me.

Also, in an effort to take care of myself, I have an appointment with Ron today. He's been a friend since university but he's recently taken his massage business to new levels and I signed up for a two hour session. Sounds like he integrates a lot of different modalities. It will be good to see him. It is slightly awkward, since I'm also a friend of his ex, Erica. She has said some surprising things about Ron, how he could be manipulative in certain ways, and Ron has said things about Erica. So it's odd to be in the middle of that and not make judgments and such. All I know is my experience with each of them.

So, today. I want to call Fenway Health and see what I need to do around informed consent to get prescriptions for HRT. There are still questions but I feel about 75% sure I want to try it. If it's right for me, I think my body may just know. I think my major concerns are health (I have a suspicion that HRT contributed to the death of a kindred soul) and sexuality (I'm fairly comfortable with my genitals and how they work; it's other things that I'd like to change. I don't know how HRT would change things.) I'd like to make a list of things I want to bring up with Raven Kaldera when I see him; maybe that will clarify things.

And thanks so much to darkfox_uscm for finding my journal and your lovely, validating messages. I'll respond to your comments soon!