Last night before Shalom!

A couple days ago Luna came into my room, very serious, and told me that her sister was upset because she thought I took her clay face off a candle and made my own. And then she told me with such seriousness that she doesn't like going to her grandparents' house because they yell at her for peeing on the floor. She said she did that when she was three but now that she's four she doesn't anymore. She defended herself, and we both agreed that everybody makes mistakes and that's how you learn. That her grandparents don't get it. It was such an intimate moment of sharing. I'm getting how hard it must be when you're bringing up your children in a beautiful way where they learn to trust and love and honour themselves and then even little interactions with people on the outside can have this huge affect. Natalie told me she thinks Luna will be the sort of girl who will experiment with drugs and sex because she has such depth and such openness to experience. I don't like to make predictions about what people will be, but I definitely see Luna's many-faceted expression. She's kind of a kindred, and I guess I've felt that ever since Natalie said Luna said her gender was purple. I see how playful and rough and whimsical and serious she can be; and when she's naked I noticed right away she seems to have great fun flashing her body parts. I'm glad these kids live in a place where that's not shamed, where they can be who they are... it's so natural to me and it's frustrating how most of the world doesn't get it. I know even one little message or subtle sign that something is not okay could have a huge affect on a child. I think I'm pretty good at not programming damaging superego messages into their consciousness...

Bellasky is kind of quiet but very loving and has a great smile. It's harder to get to know her in some ways; Natalie says she's more of a one-on-one person than a group person. Trinity is the most independent and distant of the three. She just does her own thing. It was really touching when Natalie left and Trinity asked me for help spelling things when chatting with a friend on Facebook. And then, tonight, they were watching Avatar: The Last Airbender and then they were going to bed; I put on Dr. Who and Trinity got *really* excited, more excited than I'd ever seen her, talking about how she cried when Rose left and all that and... she actually asked, "Will you watch Dr. Who with me tomorrow?" Wow, Trinity never asks to do anything with me. I told her I was going on retreat tomorrow but that I'd watch with her when I got back.
So right now I'm... close to being done with what I need to do for retreat, but not quite ready to wrap it up and go to sleep. I've got to clean my room a little bit, pack some clothes and such, clean some things that might expire out of the refrigerator, send out the last bit of transcription work to transcribers -- soon we will have *no* work in the pipeline for the first time in over a year and that's kind of scary, but it also gives me an opportunity to focus on building the business in other ways.

I've been anxious all day. This afternoon I went to an Ichiban, an Asian restaurant that I find very reasonable -- I tend to get sushi and a combination plate and the meals come with soup and ice cream / bread pudding at the end, and that came to about $12 today. (The first time I went there, I was so surprised by the dessert, like, "I didn't order this!") When I got back, I was just a mess. I had work to do but couldn't get myself to do ANYTHING. So I took a nap. Then, I woke up, and just lay curled in bed, still resisting doing anything. It occurred to me that I could try going downstairs and being with people, and that's where I caught the end of Avatar and watched Dr. Who. It helped. So yes, I was feeling scared and totally resistant to doing anything, and community helped... now I've gotten *most* of it done.

So there are three themes that are coming up for me, for this upcoming retreat: 1) body image issues, 2) feeling young and sensitive and vulnerable. 3) money issues (terrified of not being able to make more money and then being essentially blocked from living the life I want; and, feeling like a four-year-old, it's so hard to even think abut this!) I don't know how it will all play out. Alexis suggested maybe a tantrum? Yes. Maybe I really need a tantrum and what better place to have one than at Shalom Mountain? I don't know what's bringing up this really young part of me, and I don't think it's completely to do with being around three kids. Maybe. If being here is affecting me like that, it's going right to deeper places in my unconscious, because I don't *feel* it's affecting me that much. I just feel in general, what is my life? Regret over what it might have been and wasn't. Regret at how different my childhood might have been. No, what's deeper than regret. If I really felt that, it's huge.

And then the money. I have all sorts of hang-ups about accepting money from people, etc.. It feels yucky and then when I get rejected I wish I'd never asked. I feel like they should just go with the cheaper transcription service, that I'm a fraud, all sorts of things -- even though plenty of people ARE happy with our service! So I recently got Morgana Rae's Financial Alchemy book and I'm ready to try that out. It seems to have worked some miracles for others and I have a hunch it may be just what I need.

I've also signed up for Howie Jacobson's telecourse on Time Mastery. So I guess over the next few months I'll be working on developing a better relationship with both time and money!

So, I think I'll answer some of the questions in Morgana's book: "What negative things have you seen, heard, or experienced around money?" Well, money causes fights, resentment. Money makes people oblivious to what's really going on in the world. Money is hard to earn, it goes too fast, there's never enough of it. Then there's the idea that money can't make you happy; and that without it I'll be miserable and unable to live the life I want to live. Money is superficial... "What are some of the negative ways Money has shown up in your life and in the lives of those around you?" Well, taxes, bank fees, credit card debt, and all of that stressful stuff. With my brother money is, or has been, almost an addiction. The need for money keeps people working jobs they hate and keeps them from their fullest potential. "What beliefs get between you and prosperity?" Well, despite having had a number of clients who have paid me quite well, I still have this belief that it's impossible to make money. That if somehow it happens I'm just really lucky! There's a belief that money is a drag, that it causes stress... and again that it's really hard to get. I shouldn't NEED money. I'm resentful of it. I don't deserve it. It's a huge responsibility.

So, now I get to personify money as a monster -- and today I've been thinking that money is like a pirate, and sort of like the creature that I had nightmares about as a child, who lived in my attic. A pale pirate ringwraith type figure whose job is to cut you down to size and take whatever he can from you, like a pirate... and yeah, I guess he really smells, has warts all over his face... he likes to pick fights and is such an energy vampire! So now I guess I have to end this relationship... and create a new relationship with money... a sexy money! This will be fun! And if you don't know what I'm talking about, don't worry.

Time to go to sleep. I'll wake up around seven, maybe a little before, and make some final preparations for my weekend.