Two empaths in one house

I just lost an entry I was about to post but thankfully it wasn't anything so important or that can't be rewritten. I was sharing about the last couple weeks, how Natalie gave me a day-and-a-half notice to move in, how I bought a car in the course of a day, how I've been sort of freaking out about how much money I've put out (not just for the car, but for rent and retreats...) But I'm supposed to be here, I think. This worked out for a reason. And I have a sense that there's something more to why I'm here than is readily apparent. The apparent reason is to get away from my family and to be mirrored by others who see me and love me; to get away from this dark place where I spent much of December and January. But I feel like there's something I have to share or receive or both, some sort of gift, and that will be revealed in time.

My first couple weeks here have been rough. I've been out of sorts, had a hard time relaxing and settling into myself. I've been tense and scared of being judged or making a wrong move. A lot like I felt when I first got to Ireland. Just spacey in general -- forgetting to close the boot of my car when I brought a space heater in the house. I'm finding it harder to move in with people I already know and care about because potential conflicts are even more terrifying. I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to be a disappointment. I don't want them to wish they hadn't invited me to live here. It's easier to take things personally when I know the people I'm living with so I'm scared of screwing up. I already did: I fell asleep early one night when I was supposed to have locked up the chickens. A predator got one of them. I felt horrible like I had screwed up life.

So I've been slowly getting more used to living here, but in a lot of ways I've been too closed, too focused on not rocking the boat to really be ME. I wish that could come right away -- that I could just move in here and I could be all of me -- but I guess sometimes, it takes longer than that. I think by the end of these three months a lot more of me will emerge. It's strange sometimes when I can't be all of me right away with people; I feel like I'm doing something wrong when that happens. I told Rebecca that, as close as I feel to her, there's still so much of me I haven't allowed myself to be with her. And that's after sharing two retreats together! It takes time, and I guess this is true not only for me.

I had a conversation this evening with Natalie that was very helpful. We haven't really talked so much. I was trying to give her space since she was taking care of her kids and doing a lot of things, and she took that as me wanting my own space, so we just kind of tried not to get in each other's way. She had a lot of stuff coming up and didn't know where it was coming from, stuff that she hadn't felt in years, and since she's an empath, she wanted to check in to see if it was me. It was so validating to hear her say exactly how I've been feeling. The first part, I've been feeling but hadn't been able to put into words: insecure, vulnerable, very young. That's it! And then she said, "body image issues," and I just laughed. Yes, she's definitely getting this stuff from me. I feel very young. I don't know if it's because I've been spending a lot of time around kids. I would have never thought to put it that way.

I feel like a little kid waiting to be reprimanded by his mother, terrified of losing love and affection. I feel scared. (I don't often recognize fear enough to name it.) I feel like I have to be what someone else wants me to be to win their approval. I feel shy. I have all these childhood memories coming up, such as when I "broke" the head off my friend's doll and hid it, because I was terrified of the consequences. I was always so afraid of the consequences, say, when I broke something. My mother told me if I was honest it wouldn't be so bad, so I don't know why I was still so terrified, why I consistently hid things or lied when I broke something. Maybe if I dug around enough I'd figure it out. I don't remember any negative consequences of being honest but maybe I was just really sensitive to my mother's disappointment and that alone was too much to bear. I'm guessing there's more there that I needed, more validation that I was still loved that somehow I didn't get -- I somehow never got the felt sense that it was okay to make those mistakes and that I was still loved despite them. And being a sensitive kid, maybe I needed a lot more of that than other kids...

I thought that this new stuff coming up was sort of replacing the body image stuff -- I didn't want it to, because I really feel I need to get down to the depths of this body image stuff which has been terrifying and incapacitating -- but now I'm thinking it's all the same somehow. I'm feeling like a vulnerable little kid and I have body image issues and... we'll see where that goes. It will probably all come up on retreat on Thursday.

Two empaths living in the same house could be interesting...

It's so helpful to have a name for this experience: feeling young, scared, insecure, vulnerable. Before, I had no idea what to do with it. Now that I know I'm probably about four years old, I have a better idea what to do: take care of myself, be gentle, give myself the sorts of things that would make my inner four year old feel loved. I've done that, a little bit, maybe unconsciously. I watched Uncle Nino, lying in bed, with hot chocolate. It's so rare for me to sit alone and watch a movie and really enjoy it. I've also been reading Neil Gaiman's Stardust. I guess I was in the mood for something that reads like a fairy tale.